Category: Reflections

One of my favorite verses in the Old Testament comes from Jeremiah, chapter 29 verses 11-12 (NASB):

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you.”

Just prior to this verse, God, through Jeremiah, is telling Israel that they will spend 70 years in exile in Babylon, but even that time of suffering is part of his plan to make them better. Maybe that seems unfair or manipulative, but if you feel that way, I encourage you to look at all the healthy boundaries God had previously set and Israel ignored, but that’s not what I feel called to make this post about.

Trusting that even in your most difficult times, God is working for your welfare is can be hard. I have never been a subscriber to what you might hear called “prosperity gospel” which teaches that if your faith is strong enough and your works good enough, you’ll see worldly success. Throughout his teachings, Jesus tells us not to focus on worldly things, so that has never added up for me. I’m also not a fan of what I call “despair gospel” which is teaching that we’re all horrific by nature and are only capable of good through God. I structure my beliefs around what I call “companionship Gospel.” I’ll get to that definition later.

In my own walk, I’ve asked God the question, “What do You want from me?” many times, but also in different ways. That’s what I want to discuss with you in this post.

What Do You Want from Me, God! (The Angry Version)

I have been angry at God, and I think that’s a very human thing to do. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does mean that if you’ve also been angry with God, He’s not going to hold it against you. My wife was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma early in our marriage. We fought through that and I remember when we went through a relapse scare. I looked up to the heavens and told God that if He took her, I wouldn’t forgive Him. That was wrong and while I’ve repented from that sin, it still haunts me. In my anger, my heart was shouting, “What do You want from me, God!”

It took me realizing I was asking the question to be able to hear the answer. That may sound silly, but I didn’t realize I was asking the question at first, because I wasn’t using those exact words. Once my heart was ready, the answer was pretty clear: God wanted me to trust Him to get my family through the crisis that was about to unfold. He wanted me to trust that my best friend was still there, still holding my hand, still making sure that I made it through anything; that He was constantly working toward my welfare, not my despair.

God always forgave Israel when they would get mad, when they would question, when they would stray. He forgives us too if we ask. That doesn’t free us from causality because every choice we make has a result that follows, but it does mean that God shields us from the worst of it.

There wasn’t a recurrence, just for the record. God was using that one moment to show me just how much I loved my wife and the children she brought with her into our blended family. God doesn’t get mad at us for being human, even when our nature causes us to question Him. If we listen, however, even in our anger, God will tell us or show us how He is working for our welfare.

What Do You Want from Me God? (The Distraught Version)

Remember Job? When I was young, I always though Job got a raw deal. Here was a guy who was literally described as God’s favorite, but God allowed him to undergo trials that nearly destroyed his life. As an adult, I don’t think the lesson of Job comes from how God restored everything Job lost and gave him more exceeding what he lost. I think the lesson of Job comes from how Job, when he felt he’d lost it all, asked God “What did I do wrong?”

Job knew despair and when it came into his life it was so foreign he thought he’d made God angry. He went through an angry phase, demanding answers, and then he wallowed in despair wondering why he didn’t just perish at birth if this was to be his life now. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve had that thought. It’s not a nice one to have in your head.

Job learned through his trials who stood by his side because they cared for him and who stood by his side because he had wealth and influence. Job got the same answer that God still gives today, the same answer we see in Jeremiah: “Trust me, I am working toward your welfare.”

By the end of Job, we see him restored. We see his “friends” that ridiculed and belittled him, accusing him of things he did not do get rebuked. We see God affirm Job’s righteousness. Ultimately, Job said, “Ok, I trust you,” (paraphrasing here) and God showed Job that sometimes, his plans exceed our understanding.

What Do You Want from Me, God? (The Submissive Version)

I can honestly say that this is my favorite way I’ve ever asked God this question and I try to make it the only way I ask Him this question in my current walk.

When I began rebuilding my walk with God and He directed me to the body of believers He wanted me to be a part of, I asked this question daily. “I want to serve You, Lord; what do You want from me?” Eventually, not being sure where He was leading me to serve, I looked up and told God, “The next door You open for me to do Your work, I will walk through without question.” That same week, I walked into Wednesday night service and my pastor said, “You want to go build a house in Mexico this summer?”

I had absolutely no idea how I was going to pay for the trip. I had absolutely no idea how my zero experience in construction was going to be useful in any way. I had no idea how I could make a positive impact on the trip, but I knew what I had told God. So, I said, “yes.” My pastor didn’t know I’d been praying about this until after he’d asked the question.

Next, it was me telling God, “I said, yes, but I have no clue how I’m going to afford it.” God replied, telling me not to worry about the money, He had a plan. Just a couple weeks before the deadline, the plan came through. I told God, “I said yes, but I’m not going to have a clue what I’m doing.” God replied, telling me He didn’t need my skills for this mission trip, He just needed my willingness to go. He’d handle the rest. Each day there was a task that was suitable for me to handle.

Then came the big one: one of the leaders for the mission trip asked if I’d lead a devotion on the first night of the trip. “God, I have no idea how I’m going to do this.” That gentle reminder, “I just need you to be willing, I’ll handle the rest.”

My favorite memories as a Christian, and probably as a human, all come from the moments I looked up to God with a servant’s heart and genuinely, eagerly asked, “What do you want from me, God?” Asking this question with a servant’s heart has allowed God to work in and through me in ways I’d have never thought and that brings me both joy and peace.

What Do You Want from Me, God? (The Repentant Version)

I have no way of knowing if the people (if any) who read this blog know God already or not. I don’t know where you’re at with your walk or where you’re at with your life. I just want you to know that no matter where you are, if you’re asking, “What do You want from me, God?” with a repentant heart because you know you need Him in your life but you feel like you’re too far gone to come back or too far gone to start your journey: you’re wrong. And being wrong about that is the best news I get to share.

Earlier, I talked about prosperity gospel and despair gospel and said we’d get to companionship gospel, which is the version that I believe with all my heart. God didn’t need to create humankind. He wanted to. He chose to make us in His image. He chose to walk with Adam and Eve in the garden and He chose to give us a path back to Him after the first sin created a gap we couldn’t cross on our own.

If you’re asking God what He wants from you with a repentant heart, that answer is pretty easy: He wants you to let Him wrap His arms around you and He wants you to let Him love you. He wants you to build a relationship with Him. He wants you to live in His house and His ways so He can extend His protection around you. He wants you to let Him lead the way and for you to trust Him when He says He is working for your welfare, not calamity, so you can have a future and hope.

He wants that relationship with you so badly that He sent Jesus, part of Himself, to die and rise again so there could be a cross-shaped bridge spanning the gap sin created. He wants it so badly He sends us the Holy Spirit so we can have a conduit directly to Him. He’s loving enough to never force it, but that relationship is what He wants and has wanted since He planned for you to exist in this world. We don’t earn God’s love and we don’t earn salvation. It’s a gift. It’s not something anyone deserves. Since we didn’t earn it and we didn’t do things to deserve it, we never lose the invitation to reach up, grab the Father’s hand and start a relationship with Him.

Starting that relationship with God couldn’t be easier. Just humbly tell Him, “God, I believe that You sent Your son, Jesus, to die and rise again so there would be a way for me to come back to You. I want a relationship with You. I want to know You and I want to serve You. I want to give You what You want from me; my love, my heart, my soul, and my trust. Use my words to share Your word and my hands to do Your work. In the name of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, I pray, Amen.”

If you’ve read my testimony on this site, you know that there was a long while that I stopped going to church and stopped surrounding myself with fellow believers. Looking back, it’s clear that the events leading to my departure from organized religion were both part of God’s design and part of the enemy’s.

1 Peter 5:8 (NASB 2020) tells us:

Be sober of spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

While the devil will never be equal with God, and he can’t harm you directly, he will do whatever he can to douse a believer who has potential to be on fire for God with water to take that fire away. This can come in many different forms, but ultimately, it comes down to one goal: to make your witness for God ineffective. That’s where I was. Sometimes, if I’m honest, I feel I’m still there, but the difference between then and now is I’m trying. I’m not always trying as hard as I should, but I’m trying.

For many Christians, myself included, once we’ve overcome the first gap, we are faced with a second, a third, sometimes more. These are the moments in our lives that we stop walking with God. That doesn’t mean our salvation is taken from us, but it does mean that we stop moving closer to God, receiving more and greater portions of His blessings and protection. The first step to fighting these gaps is to identify the type of gap you’re in.

Gap Type 1: A Stall Along the Way

I know more Christians who have had stalls along the way than I know Christians who haven’t. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to take our eyes of God. Between when I created this site and when I wrote this blog, I did it. I genuinely felt called to make this site, but allowed myself to prioritize other things rather than write here, where I felt God had asked me to write.

How do I know it’s just a stall?

Ask yourself two questions:

1. Do I still love God and believe that He is working to do good things in my life like He promised in the Bible?
2. Do I have a desire to get up and start moving closer to God once again?

If your answer to both is “yes” then you are caught in a stall, but you haven’t turned your back on God. It’s okay to feel ashamed of a stall, but understand that God is eagerly waiting for you to stand up and start walking toward Him again. God is just, but he is also merciful. Time and time again in the Bible, we see Jesus heal the broken. When our walk stalls, he wants to heal us too.

How do I get out of a stall?

The honest answer is that some stalls are far easier to get out of than others. But I think the best Biblical example comes from Matthew 9:6-7 (NASB 2020)

…then He said to the paralytic, “Get up, pick up your bed and go home.” And he got up and went home.

Walking with God isn’t easy. It’s a constant refining process where we allow the Holy Spirit to identify to us the sins we commit the most and work on doing those less to bring ourselves more and more in line with the example of Christ. You need to believe two things to get out of a stall:

1. God still loves me and wants to work in and through me.
2. I still love God and want to pursue a life pleasing to Him.

If you aren’t sure you believe those two simple sentences, then you may not be in a stall. You may be in either a conflict of faith or you may be in the process of blaspheming the Holy Spirit.

Gap Type 2: A Conflict of Faith

If you find yourself contemplating, “Is God real?” or “Do I really believe the Gospel of Christ?” or similar questions, you are likely in the middle of a conflict of faith.

Remember: roaring lion. There is no shortage of options the enemy can use to try to convince you that your faith isn’t real, that your faith never was real, and/or you really don’t need a relationship with a made up character from a centuries old book. I will always find it amusing that some people find it easier to believe in “The Universe” sending them messages, but those same people scoff at the idea of God and the story of Jesus.

When you’re in a conflict of faith, it is going to go one of two ways. It will either turn into a stall that you can come back from or it will end in blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. That’s what makes a conflict of faith dangerous.

Where is your conflict coming from?

When I was training to be a TEFL teacher (Teaching English as a Foreign Language), I learned the power of immersion learning. The more you surround yourself with a target language, the easier that language becomes to think in and to speak in. We encouraged English learners to listen to English music, watch their favorite shows with English audio, and to speak in English as often as possible. The students that did this always outperformed the students who didn’t.

If you want to understand where your conflict of faith is coming from, ask yourself: “What am I surrounding myself with?”

If you’re spending more time being in and of the world, slowly, that’s going to become your instinctive behavior and draw you farther from the Father. Remember, Romans 12:2 tells us:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

If you’re not surrounding yourself with things God would consider good and acceptable, the influences you are surrounding yourself with are going to guide you away from Him.

I am having a conflict of faith and the church is the reason why

If this is you, I have been there. I want to assure you of one thing: the church is not a building, it is a body of believers. It is entirely possible for individuals in that body to cause harm to other believers. It’s not supposed to happen, but it does. There is not a perfect person drawing breath today.

Start by identifying why the church you are attending is drawing you away from God. Is it because of cliques and petty in-fighting? Find a new place to worship God. If the group you’re surrounding yourself with is more concerned with politics, power, and status than they are about pleasing God and showing His love to others, that’s not what God instructs us to be. It’s okay to leave a toxic church and find a new one.

If, however, you’re uncomfortable with the message the pastor/preacher is presenting that can be something a little more difficult to decipher. The Bible makes us uncomfortable sometimes. In Luke 14:26-28, Jesus says:

If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?

Jesus gave these instructions because he knew what was going to happen to his followers. He knew there was persecution coming. He knew there would be families torn apart. He knew there would be sacrifices that could not be avoided if someone truly wanted to follow Him. In Matthew 22:36-37, Jesus is asked about the greatest commandment and makes it clear.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” and He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.”

Part of loving God with all your being is not going places or being around people who would belittle you for pursuing a relationship with Him, even if those people are your family. Jesus was never asking for people who already hate their families to follow Him. He was letting people know that He has to come first, even above your family and friends. It’s an uncomfortable part of the Bible because it often shows a shortcoming. I struggle with this especially because of how much I love my family.

Here’s why I bring this up. If your pastor/preacher is teaching something that makes you uncomfortable, first check to see if he’s teaching you something biblical. Read 2 or 3 different interpretations of the verse from different translations. Get a study guide on it. Most of all; pray to God about why it’s making you uncomfortable. Sometimes, a message making you uncomfortable is God’s way of calling out a sin in your life that you haven’t let go of (mine was, and often is, a mix of pride and control). Sometimes, though I’d like to believe it less frequent than the other, someone is masquerading as a person of God when they are really being used by the enemy. This is why I believe that above all, your relationship with God is meant to be personal.

Gap 3: When a Conflict of Faith Becomes Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit

Matthew 12:31-32 (NASB)

Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come.

Mark 3:28-29 (NASB)

Truly I say to you, all sins shall be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin.”

The Bible doesn’t give us a clean, concise definition of what it means to blaspheme the Holy Spirit. So we have to look at this in two parts.

What is the Holy Spirit?

John 14:16 tells us:

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

The Holy Spirit is the conduit that connects us to God through Jesus. It is what God uses to speak to our hearts and our minds so that he can guide us and show us the path he would have us to follow. Sometimes, it’s subtle. Sometimes, it’s a fog horn. But is always a conviction on our heart of something we know God is asking us to do or accomplish.

What is Blasphemy?

If you Google that question, you’ll get an answer that says something along the lines of, “an insult that shows contempt, disrespect or lack of reverence.” You’ll also find “to speak sacrilegiously about a deity” as a definition. Biblically, sacrilege refers to violating and desecrating holy places and things or misusing what is dedicated to God.

Based on these, definitions, I believe there are two ways to blaspheme the Holy Spirit.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit through Denial

There’s a thing Jesus likes to say throughout the gospel, “Those who have ears, let them hear. Those who have eyes, let them see.” (Paraphrasing a little) I believe that when you convince yourself, beyond any and all doubt, that there is no Holy Spirit that allows you to speak to God and allows God to speak to you, you have committed shown contempt and disrespect.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit through Outspoken Misdirection

This is when you not only have denied the Spirit for yourself, but you are also actively trying to get others to deny it. If you value your walk with God, stay away from people like this.

It is my genuine hope that if you are reading this, you are simply curious and not in a gap. If you are, I hope that it is either a stall or a conflict of faith that has yet to turn into a blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. If you need help getting out of it; I highly recommend prayerhelps.online.